The story of “The Touristers” from gleam in creator’s eye until sale is long and just as complicated. The entire process was thirty years in the making. Frankly, that the screenplay sold at all and that I am still around to tell the tale, speaks volumes and should provide at least a glimmer of hope to all those who have spent a good portion of their lives immersed in the screenplay lifestyle, alternating furtive glances between a blank computer screen and a phone that never seems to ring. I’ve had at least two literary agents (to be honest, it may be more), countless meetings with studio executives and even an option or two that paid a bit more than the ever-popular one dollar variety. But this blog is not about that. No doubt, your screenwriting tales would prove to be far more entertaining than mine. This is about a screenplay that, despite the odds, somehow made it all the way to production and, in the process, netted the writer a producer’s credit so that he could document every step, or misstep, along the way.
Ancient History
The first draft of “The Touristers” was written in 1981. It was the third screenplay I ever attempted and written on an old Brother word processor that used thermal paper and heat instead of a ribbon. This should give the reader a bit of perspective on how old this project really is. Let’s just say it was at least a decade before “Final Draft” software. My typing skills were minimal at best, the “Brother” thermal font was totally unacceptable by industry standards, my spelling was atrocious, I had total disregard for the principles of Strunk and White and I set my margins haphazardly (meaning, hey, the character’s name is capitalized and at the center of the page – that’s good enough!). After a frenzied thirty days of writing, my opus was complete. And why proof read it before I sent the manuscript out? This was a work of genius and any corrections would only spoil the story’s natural beauty.
Query letters went out to a WGA provided list of agents that accepted unsolicited submissions and within thirty days I had my first hit from Manhattan Artist’s Agency in New York. A complete novice, I signed with the Max Bialystock immediately and within another thirty days of signing with the agency was called and told that someone wanted to negotiate an option of one thousand dollars. This whirlwind courtship was heightened by the fact that the person wishing to option the screenplay was none other than John Ratzenberger of “Cheers” fame. The show was a hit and John, no doubt, felt that he needed to stretch his creative wings. I was told that he wanted to direct my script and I never had a clue whether he intended to play the lead role of Marion C Carlson, the gym teacher, as well. Famed producer Roger Corman was approached to produce and distribute and the budget was set at under a million dollars. Way under a million if my memory serves me correctly. My fee for the whole shebang was to be ten grand.
Time passed but I was sure that my dream was very close to becoming a reality. I decided to take a trip down to LA and meet with John to discuss the script. Arriving, I called John at his Paramount office and was told he would be too busy to see me. Seemed he was in the middle of a very important episode and he needed to devote all his efforts to that. “That’s okay,” I said. “Do you think he could get me a couple of tickets to the show’s taping?” There was a long silence on the other end of the phone and it was followed by a curt “no.” So much for my writing dreams soon becoming reality. I never heard of John Ratzenberger again. It was my first lesson, among several hundred more I would accrue along the way, in that wonderful business we call show. Please keep in mind that I am only reporting things from my perspective. For his side of the story, you would have to go straight to the source and talk to John. We have never spoken before or hence but, currently, I believe he is traveling around in his Winnebago speaking at ultra conservative tea rallies. Good luck with that.
Defeat was never an option to me. It is my most endearing quality. “The Touristers” script was shelved and I continued to write along with my full-time job at the time, performing stand-up comedy in clubs and colleges throughout the US and Canada. I wrote a basketful of terrible scripts and a couple of good ones. The benefit of all this creative activity had one clear effect - it made me a better writer. Not only did I slowly master the screenplay form but also typing, spelling and punctuation improved – although there are still a good number of people who insist that I use entirely too many commas.
As stated earlier, I had more than a few meetings with film executives, optioned a couple of screenplays for real money, divorced, moved down to Los Angeles to pursue my dream, moved back in less than one year with my creative tail between my legs. I remarried, and am happily still. I continued my stand-up career until that too bottomed out at the end of the millennium. But still I continued to write.
Forced by an empty wallet and child support payments, I accepted a full time position with a Research Company. Being a so-called creative, I was at first stunned into a total lack of productivity. But it didn’t take long and again, the ever-consistent muse called and I answered. Again my writing was met with little enthusiasm. I seemed to outgrow any talent I had managed to accrue. I attended Robert McKee’s seminar and wrote two more screenplays. All were met with the same enthusiasm I had been treated to in the past. Any executives or agents I had met along the way had long since forgotten me. I took a year’s worth of UCLA screenwriting classes and somehow turned all that I learned about writing for film into a novel.
A popular comedian on the circuit asked me, “What are you going to do if writing screenplays doesn’t work out? The odds are stacked against you and it obviously isn’t working.” I ignored him in the same way I had ignored any other rejection but since, the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Maybe I do really suck and should just give it all up. Besides, I am very quickly approaching the half-century age mark and we all know how that works out for aspiring screenwriters.
And so it was, after all these years and the constant defeats that I returned to “The Touristers.” Reading it over for the first time in more than ten years, I instantly recognized that there was something special there. The story elements were all present. Even as a newbie, I had instinctively mastered those. With the time that passed, I learned important lessons regarding, arcs, character beats and dialogue. Old characters in the script were jettisoned for newer and better ones. The acts were tightened and a prologue was added to introduce the villains of the piece before their first meeting with my protagonist. It took another two months to get to where I thought the draft was acceptable.
I sent it out to agents, managers and producers (some I knew, others I did not) and they all passed – again. And it is here that we enter the realm of current history as opposed to ancient.
The Web and Willie Bolin Jr.
I believe that the last desperate road a writer can is the web. There are countless websites and Internet services that promise to get a writer’s material discovered. I don’t have to tell you, they are as countless as the stars in the heavens and fulfillment of their promises seems to be just as distant. The “discovery on the web” scenarios represent the lottery for the writer and any real pay-off is just as allusive. Subscribing or posting a logline is a creative message in bottle cast upon a vast sea where the nearest land is far beyond hope. But what the hell, I had nothing better going. Why not? I tried all the free services with no response. And then, late one night, I came upon the site that would eventually change my life. One look at the poorly designed site and I knew that any submission would be a Hail Mary pass at best.
Willie Bolin Jr. followed up immediately with a request to see the script. I sent it to him and he followed up with a phone call. Although Willie was advertising his site for writers looking for a manager, he asked me if I had any interest in pursuing the script as a producer. I was not really interested as trying to find funding for a motion picture was not viable to me, or any of my friends, for that matter. He took my reticence in stride and said that he would pursue it as an independent picture and secure funding himself as an executive producer. And that, my friends, is exactly what he did. He incorporated soon after setting up a LLC as The Touristers Company.
Gathering a small core group of industry professionals around him, Willie took the steps to get the picture made. He did this with no experience at all in producing. All of the people he recruited had experience in their particular fields. There were producers, directors and actors. This group would gather every week at a neighborhood Denny’s and discuss ways to get the picture made. I wish I would have been there at these meetings to record what transpired, but, alas, I was a thousand miles away in Oregon. As the weekly meetings progressed, some would drop out and others would be lured in with the carrot of co producing “The Touristers.” It certainly helped that everyone believed in the script. Key positions in the film began to take shape. Matt Zettell would be directing. Keiko Nakahara would be DP. Randy Sauceto would be co producing and working the sound. Willie kept me in the loop with the constant emails from all involved.
Along the way, Willie auditioned actresses for the villain and was able to secure the services of two very talented actresses Cassie Fliegel, would be playing Scorpia, and Dallas Malloy would be her henchperson Lizard. Again, all of these people who got involved did so with no money changing hands. Other actors signed letters of intent to appear in the film. All this was secured by an angent representing George Takei, M. Emmett Walsh and Victoria Pratt. All became involved because of a love for the material.
Basically, securing funding was the only real problem. If it were possible to get a movie made on pure enthusiasm, we would have been off and running a long time ago. But movies need money and securing it proved to take over a year.
Showing interest and investing capital are two different things. Many times we thought we were all set only to have a backer pull out at the last minute. Originally we had planned on shooting in the summer of 2009. This got bumped to October and this process appeared to be able to go on forever until… (to be continued)
Next entry: A brief history of "Wild Space A Go Go."
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