Lawyering UP

Words of wisdom: You receive a legal document via Fed-X, UPS, USPS, email, Facebook update or even Twitter, do yourself a favor and have a lawyer check it out. Granted, a twitter message is about 150 characters, but even this briefest collection of words, if it concerns your career, can affect your outlook on life, love and vocation.

“I just don’t have the money,” I just don’t have the time,” blah, blah, blah. Well, if you are anything like me and decide to skip the important step of getting a lawyer’s perusal of said documents first, you soon will be clearing events off your calendar quicker than you will be scrambling to come up with the money for even greater evil – billable hours.

I don’t want to get that far into it, because, frankly, it’s just too damn embarrassing. Let’s just say, you should never crawl into bed with the first girl who asks you to dance. Sure, you may have been standing in a corner, scoping out the action for what seems like an eternity. But, for god’s sake, do yourself a favor and show a little restraint. Remember, a whore will tell you you’re handsome. She will just soon forget it after the deal has been consummated.

Which brings us back to the point of the story. Some producers are like whores and will say anything to get into your creative drawers. After the dirty deed is done, and they have gotten what they came for, they will soon be on their way, looking for their next “john” and rehearsing what positive affirmations they will utter when you happen to call.

What’s the difference between a whore and a producer? The whore only has you for the hour. Depending on the terms of the contract, a producer can have you by the “Johnson” for a year – maybe more.

So, do your research. The old adage is true; if it’s too good to be true, it probably is. If you are told you are creatively handsome, find out who else they think is handsome. When you get in bed with a producer, you also happen to be bedding everyone that producer ever seduced. This just might be a good thing. Find out who these other “handsome” people might be. Check out references. Look online for complaints. If there are any, there’s a good chance you will find them on the Internet.

And now, onto the subject of lawyers. I am extremely lucky. I have plenty friends who give good referral (could I possibly use more sexual references?). I also happen to have an International Intellectual Property Attorney who has been guiding me through the steps of dealing with unscrupulous producers. Lucky me. But you might not be so lucky.

Did you know that some entertainment attorneys can charge as much as $400.00 per billable hour? That’s to review contracts and all correspondence after the fact. That’s most likely two hours total. I will do the math for you. That’s over a million dollars out of pocket! Kidding. You do the math. Now, you have an attorney look over your contract before you sign and you cut it the fee at least in half. More if you can somehow squeeze it into the consultation.

If you are extremely lucky, the lawyer will point you in the right direction without charging you. Direct you on how to word letters and give you sage advice on how to protect your precious property.

Okay, I have come full circle on this post. Title: “Lawyering Up” and I have covered the importance of checking out all contracts before you sign them. I would like to add just one more thing and it refers to an early post on this site. You need to have more than one project you are working on. If this was your only creative child, and the child suddenly died or was sent to a minimum security for a lengthy stay, you’d be devastated. Who can blame you? Your pride and joy in literary purgatory? It’s enough to get one addicted to prescription Ambian. But, if you have read earlier posts, I have reminded you to have other projects in the hopper. Your creative life is not Indian Poker. I will not have you betting your house on one turn of the card. You must have other cards in your hand. You can’t “know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em” if you are playing with one measly card. Get busy, write, write, write! At the very least, you can bind un-sellable material in leather and sell it at your local Farmer’s Market.

And remember, “Angry Birds” the iphone/ipad application that spits in the face of writer’s block!